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Mar. 9th, 2012 @ 02:38 pm my crappy day
Current Location: Natchitoches, W Court Dr,
Tags:

Why do I feel this way? My heart is breaking and for no reason. Im tired of living this non eventful life.
Thats all im posting for now

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

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May. 9th, 2010 @ 11:01 pm So..
I write this here because this is the one place I won't be judged for what I write.
These past couple of months have done nothing for me. If it had'nt been for sarah and some other friends, id be in worse shape than I am now.
However These I doubt myselg more than ever. I don't know where I stand or who I stand with. Its been recenlty brought to my attention that I tend to push people away. And I will agree i tend to whine alot. But on the other hand, I am living with my mother, in the smallest town known to man.And don't get me wrong I love this town, but Staying here with no friends, and noone wants to come see me or even talk to me( and those that are out of state, I don't meant you ;-) ) or at least that what it feels like
And for the first time in my life, I'm feeling the silence of God and this is causing a serious faith crisis in my life. I believe in God and I won't let go of that... But I feel like Ive been living on faith for almost a year, and I keep getting handed one bad situation after another. It seems to me that my generation was taught that if you prayed and believed God was gonna handle things that things would be handled. They even backed it up with wonderful anecdotes about how They were swallowed with debt and they began to pray and like a week later things began to turn around for them. So why is may family living in almost squaler, struggling each moth to pinch pennies and scraping just enough to get by. please explain that to me,I would love to have some good solid evidence as to why, everyone else's life seems to be going peachy keen and mine is sucking the life out of my soul.

And Normally i wouldn't complain, but I let a chance years ago slip through my fingers. I listend to other peoples advice and now im in the hole im in. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'll just stop here because my moanin and crying isn't doing anyone any good.
Sorry for wasting your time
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Mar. 29th, 2010 @ 10:19 pm ready for the drama to end
so i have never been one to date a vindictive woman or to be a home wrecker, apparently i have become both. I began dating Katrina in late december of last year, we onlt dated for about two weeks. when we first started dating she told me she was divorced. that was lie number one. a week later i begin getting threating emails and phone calls from someone claiming to be her husband. At that point she tells me that oh wait well see she's signed the papers but he hasn't. I was done at that point. So life goes on we try to remain friends. by the end of February we were fighting and ended our friendship. Fast forward to last week.

I sent her a one line message on face book saying " im sorry for how i acted i think we can be friends again" she repsonds with a long message telling me how she doesnt want my friends or family contacting her anymore, how i Ruined her marriage, and almost made her lose her kids. Fantastic, so now weve shifted all blame to me. awesome

fastforward to about 12 on sunday
Bro floyd stops me and asks me to give me a call sometime on monday. I figure he just sent my recommendation in and so wants to discover more about it.
so today I call him
he watns to know about me and katrina
i tell him well she and aren't dating anymore and she smoved off to be with another guy.
he tells me that her husband has called the church to find out things, and that she intimated that we had a relationship of a sexual nature
I tell him no that never happened.

What i don't believe is that they had the gall to go and try to trash talk me to my pastor. of all the ,ow down things to do . if he had not beleived me, my chance at getting a job would be shot. luckily he believed me.

i will never ever ever ever date someone who is not a christian , ever agian, and i will not date someon who is or has been married and has kids. its not happening. its just not.

im so ready to blow this Popsicle stand
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Mar. 16th, 2010 @ 12:15 am Cloak and dagger
Cloak and Dagger

All this Cloak and Dagger
I'm not sure who you are
You wear a pretty mask
to hide the reality of who you are
You've Become this unspeakable
thing of wrath and pain
And you say that I created it
I am not the Dr. Frankenstein
to your monster
I am not the Virus
to your cure
I walked away Enduring
The pain and scars you have left
And you smile happy as a clam
as i limp away.
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Mar. 14th, 2010 @ 12:25 pm (no subject)
Current Music: Fearless- DCTalk
So lets start from the beginning. I woke up this morning after have reoccurring dreams last night about the ex. yes the ex. Recently we had quasi made up and are on hey-we-can't-be-friends-on-facebook-but-I'll-unblock-you-from-being-able-to-find -me status. If this were anyother case, i totally would not let it bother me. But she's the longest realtionship I've ever had and now it seems that once again everyone else is happy and satisfied, and im drowing in sorrow and pain.

and i was gonna get on here and rant and rave about how she wronged me and how i want to hate her and how conflicted and twisted my soul is, but God patiently showed me, that He loves me for me, and that I am his beloved. I went to go get my ipod, knowing music would do my soul some good. and i had convenitly forgotten what I was listening to when i had it on last. the song that came on was one that I love.
so here are the lyrics.(I haven't posted lyrics in forever.)

He Will Make A Way
Kathy Troccoli

I know that you’re discouraged
But you’re not alone
There is absolutely no situation
Out of His control
One door may close
Another will open
Jesus is healer of all that is broken

Chorus:
He will make a way
Where there is no way
He will bring His peace
Where there is no peace

Watch Him put together
What’s been torn apart
He can soften up the most
Hardened of hearts

He will make a way
Where there is no way

Don’t you go believin’ lies
He’s not forgotten you
There’s gonna be another
Higher, greater place He will take you to
Watch Him move mountains
Ride you through the waves
He can deliver in the darkest of days

Repeat chorus

There is no war
He doesn’t win
When you’re at your end
He’s just beginning

He will make a way
Where there is no way

Our only hope is in Him
No matter what this life can bring
Jesus stands alone
As the God of impossible things

Repeat chorus

Watch Him move mountains
Ride you through the waves
He can deliver in the darkest of days

Repeat chorus
About this Entry
Mar. 5th, 2010 @ 07:52 am again and again
I had another dream about you. Only this time , you were working. you were a receptionsit at a church, and I could see you but was so angry that you were even there that i could not talk to you. I walked down a hallway to sunday school. there my brother was involved with little ones, as a sunday school teacher. my sister and I on the other hand had no place to go., I suddenly remebered I had left my ipod and retraced my steps . I ended up in the same area where you worked. as I made my way out you stopped me and said something to the effect of it will get better. i responded with , thats impossible and stormed out.

Is it even possible that my life is better without you in it? I can do things now without guilt or thinking what will she think, because your not there. you've made sure of that. Most days, i go on without even remoetely thinking about you. but then there are times where things come up in movies, and it remends me of you or of us. I don't cry about it anymore because it was your loss. There are plenty of unresolved issues between us, because you blocked me out of your life. I guess I could write you a letter, but what good would that do?

ITs funny, because some of the things are trivial. like the way i dress, that was always a source of contention between us I felt because I never fit in to your system. how ever the big one was using my money to help keep my mother afloat for another month instead of paying back my student loans. you never saw the reason in that.I can kinda see the logic behind your thought but its twisted and distorted. I know that what I did, and still do from time to time, was right. there's no doubt about that. I just wish that I could have showed you that. I wish that you could have been unblined for once and have seen that taking care of my family was a respoibility, as the oldest male in my household.
But then again you haven't lived the life ive lived. so I leave you now... knowing that it will take a while this morning to shrug you off and begin my day.
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Mar. 3rd, 2010 @ 07:53 am It Starts With One
Current Music: Talmidim- For Today
It happened again last night. I had the reoccuring dream of getting you back. I don;t know why I want you back. and to be perfectly honest in my day to day life, I don't need you or want you. I don't need the drama you bring, or the pain that followed. i don't need someone who feels the need to strike back at me everytime we talk.
But the dream went as this. we were surrounded by water, you were hanging onto a life raft, like a water logged rat. I begged you to come with me and to take me back. and you refused. we talked about why things could never be the same. and since they could never be the same.... you didn't want them.

Why would'nt you ever let me actually take care of you? Why did you have to be so stuck on being independent that you werte willing to sacrifice anyone in the way and then blame them for the indescrepancy. I just wanted to take take care of you. To save you from drowning. in the dream i was strong and tough, at times standing ontop of the water, at other i was waist deep in the water.

I won't go so far as to say that Im better off that your not in my life, but i don't have as many medical problems now that your out of it. I used to break out into hives, i used to have indigestion late at night. I had that last night but i knew that was from the nature of the dream and the stress therein. I knew what the deal was.

I know exaclty what spurred it. it was the fact that your mother left a status message with your name in it. I had not seen that name in over a month and it was like an old wound that begins to ache.
I know now that I'm not as worthless as you made me out to be. I know that I don't things they you would have wanted. never have.
But I'm trying my hardest to follow God and thats all that matters at this point.
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Feb. 28th, 2010 @ 09:42 pm its a little bit funny
I think its interesting the way girls interact with me. here lately , Girls treat me like an adorable puppy, who was cute from far away. They look and say "aww how cute id love to get to know him" and then I mention " oh by the way I'm unemployed" The door shuts and i hear from them no more.

what is the deal with that? I never said I was a slacker just sitting on my butt,although some of my ex;s would have you beleive that. I do actually look for employment. Yes i do have a beleif that I am above a McDonald's typr job, but thats because I went through eight years of college, I was told that If i finished , i could do whatever i wanted. So yes i think I'm a little entitled .

But then Girls that I talk to, don't want to take things slow and things where go. they want marriage, and kids. which is all fine and dandy, but instead of giving me time to prove myself, I have to present them with a resume of how responsible am. if thats what I have to do, then i never want to date again. I want someone to love me for me, not what I can do for them.

the statement i keep hearing is " why do I have to wait for you to grow up?" I'm not trying to be a kid forever. I know i need responsibilites. but to me having a job and having a car dosen;t mean your grown up. I know olenty of people that have both of those and still act like their in high school. instead of thinking for themselves. they quickly jump from relationship to relationship, they tell the man whatever he wants to hear.

I'm tired of being considered inferior and stupid because I'm male, or because i don't have a job. im not. i think the reason my relationship of four years failed is because i was'nt willing to cow. the family its self was ruled by women, the men of the family never showed any backbone. I did, and created ripples and waves. I was told to obey every whim of grandma, no matter how crazy it sounded. i usally went along with it. but i began to buck the norm. because i refuse to be whipped.

errrrrrghhh
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Feb. 28th, 2010 @ 12:30 pm a new start?
so i have found an internship that i am going to apply for. its a cmap internship and will teach me for a year how to run a camp basically. then after that hopefully i can get a job at a summer camp fulltime, which would be amazing. thats all for now
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Feb. 25th, 2010 @ 01:48 pm here i am
not a whole lot has happened to day. I feel further to God thatn ever before. but im trusting he's there and he's listening even though i feel so far away.
I realized today that alot of this lonliness i might have brough on myself. but at the same time the people i unfriended from facebook, didnt really talk to me.
things have to get better soon.
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